Help! My controllers won't sync. Error code NW-35959-1 as well.

Ok...

So I've been trying to sync my controller to the ps4 for the past hour. I tried plugging in the usb cable, no go. I tried resetting the controller via the little pin hole, no go. I tried restarting and unplugging and plugging the cables in all kinds of different combinations, no go (although perhaps there's a particular magical combination that works that I missed...)

So I tried the big reset button. I tried booting up in safe mode (where the controller DOES WORK @#()@!) and tried re-initializing the system by downloading the system update on a USB drive. HOWEVER, it doesn't seem to recognize that the drive is connected! What the hell! I tried using a exFAT drive as well as a FAT32 drive. No go...

Any help is appreciated!